“I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”
Henry David Thoreau

“You used not to be like this in the past. I remember, you were happier,” a friend said to me lately.

Let me correct this statement a little bit. Indeed, I used to be happy with people around me, but neither happier than now, nor happier than I will be tomorrow. I have come to reveal the depth of joy when I am intensely merged into loneliness. The little conversations or the smart conversations say nothing to me anymore. The spurious smiles do not fondle any of my senses. The ironic amusements of the intelligent have long faded away. The cool nature of respected individuals by the social norms has no way to pierce into my value system, no way to make a change. The fame that many people are longing for frightens me.  Seeing people selflessly wheedling and soft-soaping to buy their way into the groups where they do not belong disgusts me. That kind of life has ended in my reality; I exist in your lives, but live without you.

Loneliness is a desire, when trivial movements surround my idle body. My happiness is like a smoke of a cigarette: it needs to smolder for its beauty to come out and fill the air. In this context, loneliness is the fire to simmer the pure happiness of my inner world. I am afraid to see solace walking towards me from the corner or behind the wall. I need no compassion, no empathy to knock my door.

I feel happy when all of the doors are locked around me. I fall for the lights going off in the neighboring building one after another.I adore the empty glasses of wine under my bed that I try to hide at night, but never succeed in the morning.I enjoy the music that absorbs my soul devouringly. I cherish the rain dropping steadily, which strokes the windows tired of my face.I bask from the nonsensical conversations that the little cells have inside me.  I love…d… Many of you killed it inside me! I heard your silence roaring, “Who needs your honesty?”

Amazingly, love resurrected. Now I love the love, which I keep cultivating inside my freezing heart. As every day, when loneliness leaves me alone in the crowds, I warm you up with this love and come back home having my precious nothingness to replenish the cracks in my trembling heart, the cracks that I get as a prize, when I am not alone.


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